I moved My Blog!

If, by chance anyone knows I am here, I have moved my blog to a hosted account because I just had enough of the front gate sign I have to use because I swear!  So visit me at! http://fatarmy.com

You Tarzan, Me Raw!

Ok, so I have begun to look into the background info available from so many people on raw living.  I have ordered several books by several of the raw gurus and some people I haven’t even heard of as yet.

My interest is at this time is in eating raw, but not going vegan at this time.  There is so much I want to say, so many questions and no one to ask them to.  I have signed up to different folks YouTube channels and already the conflicting information is beginning to hurt my head.

How do you begin this seriously?  In the past I have paid for telephone course, received eBooks, joined telephone groups with people who call themselves experts. How do you know?  I eat majority of raw food anyway, I just like it that way.  I don’t own a food dryer thing, whatever its called – oh dehydrator or something, I haven’t even opened my blender box from three years ago (I blended at work), but I am really interested in looking into this much more than I did before.  Where do I start?

I don’t want, at this time to be completely raw, although I don’t believe you have to eat meat to survive.  I like fish and chicken, I don’t think I will need to eat it in coming years but right now I like eating it.  I also get confused at the whole alkaline body type issue and how much fruit, green veg etc.  It’s all so mind blowing.  This morning I picked up my emails in bed, dingy London, well a little sunny at the mo., contemplating the day at work, not feeling to brilliant after another three day lock down and compulsion to eat, cheesecake mainly.  Then I picked up an email, an update of a video channel I joined yesterday.  Some raw food guru bloke, looks like Jesus.  He made me laugh yesterday; he just danced in his kitchen, danced like no one was looking and it made me really happy.  See Dan here

I wish for that freedom sometimes.  That sense of feeling so alive that you just don’t give a damn about who is watching.  I’m not there yet, although I can be silly with the kids I work with, my imagination is fertile and I love that side of me.  But dancing in front of anyone at this size would leave me cold; it’s enough to shimmy in the office with dean on good days.

Anyway, his latest video came streaming via my iPhone into my room and I laid their listening to him, listening to the waves, wishing I could walk by the sea and feel the water on my toes, it was a nice site.  He is a handsome dude, (and even as a queer old dyke, I can see the charm in his eyes).  I like him, his persona, glad he gave up saying ‘can you dig it’ which he said a lot in his making smoothie vids.  He seems more chilled out now.  He is further along I think in his quest for inner love and peace and I am interested in finding out where he goes.  I’m still on a finding journey, trying to work out myself, trying to imagine what it would be like to have the life I feel I deserve to have yet can’t find it in me to read the map and get there.  I want to transition like so many other to raw, to an inner peace, to feeling like I am alive, not this huge walking debilitated creature that never smiles inside. 

I ordered my mac yesterday, with webcam; I am going to begin my own YouTube channel about my journey.  I can’t promise that I wont be hidden at first, because I am not sure I want to be seen looking this crap.  But who knows.  I need to do this I need to find myself.  For years I have been so lost, with such a feeling of unrest.  I don’t want to die feeling like I have squandered this life.  I don’t want to feel so bad every day, even just sitting.  I want to see the joy in things.  I want a reality that I can feel.  

I'm thinking I'm going to set up my own blog on my server.  I don't think this blog deserves to be cordoned off with a warning sign because of the odd swear word and risk that someone might report me.  Hmmm, we shall see.

Compulsion Revoltion

I’m feeling pretty shit, as I do most weekends.  This weekend I haven’t thrown up.  Not that I’ve been trying to throw up mind you, my body just can’t take the binge food I choose to eat at the weekends.  It’s such a potent combination of crap, my body rejects it.  This week, I am just feeling ill.  Like I have a cold, soar throat, aching weird feeling in my throat, dry mouth big time, foul stench in my gob, but also just sticky crap coming up from my throat.  Chesty on occasion and I have no doubt this is because I have taken in high levels of cream and crap food.   

This week, i couldn’t be arsed to order online as I did last week at the weekend, so I ordered takeaway.  I chose the one takeaway that sold Hagan daz ice-cream.  Instead of getting the usual takeaway order, which by the way I haven’t done for months now, I ordered, not one, not two, but three 500ml tubs of Haagen-Dazs ice-cream, cheesecake, Belgium chocolate and cookies and cream.  Two down one to go and really, i should bin it, because I am feeling real rough.  I also ordered a Chinese whilst I was at it, which wasn’t that good, fried meat rice with ribs in a thick gloop and sweet and sour in a thick gloop and now, I feel the pain. 

My back has had this weird pain in it, for some time, not sure if its bad posture or if something is going on there because of the weight.

Its odd, its like a fizzing under the fat, to one side, kind of numb to the touch, just odd.  Just fat poisoning no doubt.

Last week I was so violently ill on banoffee pie, a whole one from Sainsbury that I text my nephew to ask if he could come and pick the other ‘bad’ food that I had left up.  At first, when  saw his message in the morning, I was horrified because I read it that he couldn’t make it.  I saw that he had tried to call and rather than ring him back, my brain went into over drive, strop, then fuck it, I’ll eat the rest of what’s in the fridge.   

Then I text him to say ‘forget it’ because I read the text wrong, thinking he was saying he couldn’t make it till the morning, which was Sunday and by then, too late.  You see when you binge, and then have a real bad reaction t it, the guilt tells you to get rid of the bad stuff, the bad food in the house.  I can’t throw it away as I have a real issue with waste, so the next thing is to see who wants it.  Anyway, I told him to forget it, then an hour later, still feeling pissed off and guilt wearing off and me getting ready to start on a cheesecake (whole), I re-read his text which said he could do it ‘now’.  Being Saturday, I said yes.  I packed the oven chips (I didn’t order those, the Sainsbury guy left them and no one collected them, one of the cheese cakes, crème fresh, crisps, and other bits into a bag loaded up and ready to go before I changed my mind.  

Thank goodness it was taken away.  It would have been a million times worse the following day.

Anyway, the third Haagen-Dazs is gone now, eaten with a banana.  I feel weird and sick and sad and frightened of the coming weekends.

I know what i should do to change, during the week I am eating really brilliant food, mainly raw until eve where I eat portion controlled food from M&S.  But this binging at the weekend is more potent than when i was a smoker gathering many packs of fags to see me through the weekend, just in case.

It’s all consuming, oh the irony of it all.  I feel failed every weekend, this weekend, I know I have now gained the weight I removed over the last month, working hard, trying hard-ish, but not at weekends.  I feel out of control again and the more I think about it, the more the cravings boom inside my head.  I watch addicted to food and every episode in, I find more and more that i wish I had the money to go there for the 45 days intensive treatment.  I don’t, I doubt there is anyone out there who will pay for it either. Lol  I am trapped inside this nutter of a woman and I just don’t seem to be able to tell myself NO!

Week Two - Mr Non Motivated!

So, last week, I did the training session for an hour with Tony.  It was really hard and to be honest, at one point my heart ached so much I thought I was going to faint.  I just kept going.  He seemed motivated, although having worked with T for ages now, I also know that he can be pretty flaky too.

I was in real pain Thursday evening, but felt good for doing it.  I felt so ill by late evening, to sleep and take the pain away I had to take anti inflammatory pills.  I am still in pain today, and today is Tuesday.  Tony booked today in and at 9.30am when we were supposed to begin, the phone in the office rings.  It's Tony, telling me he can't make it today and can we do it tomorrow at 9am.  I felt pretty deflated.  I can let myself down, I don't need anyone else to join in with the demotivating partyyyyyy!  He then tried to tell me to do at least twenty mins on the bike.  I certainly didn't feel motivated by him.  I got on the bike because I felt that today, with MY effort, it would have been a waste if I hadn't even bothered to do something for myself. 

I did twenty mins on the bike to Jessie J and sweated some.  I feel a bit deflated myself now, although I still have to move forward and do this.  Never rely on anyone.  It's not worth it.  I think I may do a search and see what I can come up with for a trainer and pay someone.  I don't think I fancy a semi pep talk from Mr T today or tomorrow and as kind as it was for him to offer to do this, there is really no point if he just plays on my worst feeling, which is me failing because I just can't be bothered!  If he can't be bothered, then where the fucks the motivation going to come from?  Telephone Gym motivation, shall we trademark that shit?

Mr Motivator!!!

Now, I'm not expecting Tony to come dressed up in red Lycra, but I am a little worried.  Today, I'm in at work for 7.45am, mainly because I couldn't sleep.  I wanted to sleep, I wanted to snooze, but the thought of having to work out today with Tony made me get up and come into work.  I packed my 'gym' bag last night, it popped the zip it was stuffed so full.  I only had a small towel, tracksuit bottoms, top and a hoodie.  It's my Biggest Loser hoodie, well... my pretend one.  All in 5xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl sizes.  The pants are far too big, they drag on the floor, that's excuse no. 1.  So when they catch in the exercise bike I can fall off the bike and pretend I can no longer walk.  Trouble is, I already tried to tell Tony yesterday I had a broken leg, but he didn't listen.

One of the kids, (I say kids, he's in his late 20's) is now a taxi driver and he gave me a lift in today.  He was off to play golf, having recently passed the knowledge.  It was nice to see him, but he didn't quite get why I at first refused the offer for a lift.  The walk in is one of my only work outs so far.  So I suppose I am a little worried about today as well as really hoping that it gets me mentally enthused so that I can burn this huge load of fat off.

I have no real idea what he has in store for me.  I think he is looking forward to beating me up in the 'gym' as it were.  I do know that he wasn't to do 'the pads' so I shall be boxing the crap out of it.  My tea this morning just doesn't have any taste!  Signing off and hopefully won't be signing on from hospital after a heart attack!

Oxygen

Princess Betty Le Principauté de Monaco

I need some air today.  As it begins to warm up here in London, I can feel the panic set in.  I hate this time of year, certainly in the last few years as I grew in size.  Fat on top of fat doesn't make FatBetty a happy brrd.  Everything is aching, I only have a little way to walk in to work, but sometimes it feels as though I am climbing mount Everest. 



Today, the whole staff team are off to a training day, in Fulham.  Whoop fucking doot.  Do I want to go and take in Child Protections stuff?  Nope, there is a procedure to follow when something crap happens here, we follow it.  I don't need to be told of anything other than if the law has changed and that policies need to be updated to state that.  I feel panic inside, my muscles ache and I just want to be able to relax.  I keep thinking of what I can do to bring some life back into me.  I was doing ok, having discovered some great food at M&S, so was able to calorie count and feel ok about things.  Then I binged at the weekend.  The more out of control I feel with food, the more dark the world looks.  I could feel that shadow creeping up on me at home over the weekend.  I had to shake it off.

I just wish I didn't feel so tired.  I remember being fat but physical, I was able to move, to walk.  Now everything is a pain.  My back is aching from the weight of my belly and really, just how un-natural is that?  I bet Madonna doesn't feel this shit every day, but then she goes to the gym to work off any fat cells and she buys little black babies in boxes!. 

Yesterday myself and Dean went to pick up my glasses from specsavers.  We popped into Primark to get some blank t-shirts for the printing project at work.  I saw these funny little pink poodle bags, so bought one for all of the Donny crew.  I wrapped them in Gingham wrapping paper and presented them to the Donny Crew.  For most the evening, we dressed the poodles in brightly coloured ribbons, adding a certain je ne sais quoi to the adorable little pooches.   It's hard not to turn into a WAG when carrying a stuffed pink poodle.  It made me want blonde weave and nail extensions.  My poodle is called Princess Betty of Monaco.  Dean called his Esmeralda, Rosie called her Lulu, Kelsey called hers Tallulah and Ruby, we have to wait and see as she was sick yesterday she took her pooch home.  So now I wait for the rest of the staff to come in and then we have to do the long trek to Fulham.  Blergh.  I haven’t even had a tea as yet. 

M&S - My New Best Friend!

Well, what can I say.  Today, myself and Dean popped off to Hammersmith to get my eyes tested at Specsavers.  Whilst we were up there, we decided to pop to M&S.  My sister kept telling me that when she lost her huge amount of weight a few years ago, that is where she would trot to get some of their food.  I must say, if you have even bothered to read some of the past reviews of Sainsbury’s selection of packaged food, then you know pretty much how I feel about them.  I use them when I am trying hard to contain the portion size.   

I see them as plastic and processed and not very good if I’m honest.  Yes, I have my favourites.  The Sainsbury shepherd’s pie is one of them, be good to yourself one.  It’s filling, plastic, but filling and I swear it is made with the majority of soya as meat in gravy.  The label says otherwise, but hey ho.  That’s by the by.  So, as I may have mentioned I have stocked up on the Sainsbury packaged foods, so we could taste them every afternoon.  I must say that since the Stew and dumpling in ale gravy, I say this all with a grimace, I really couldn’t face the others in the freezer.  The bad taste that is left in your mouth after eating those boxed foods is atrocious.  

Anyway, so I popped along to M&S and looked at some of the fuller for longer, count on us – the lower calorie food items.  I was shocked that first off, the boxes are such that you can pull the cardboard aside and look to see if the image on the box resembles anything like the food in the tray, and you can.  It was amazing.  The food actually looked really nice and very much like the picture on the box.  The sausage, mash and gravy looked slightly gloopy, but I didn’t buy that one anyway, so no matter.  But overall, the site test tempted us enough to purchase.  I chose several from each range and a salmon and potatoes and watercress salad to have today, with some breakfast items and also desserts, which I normally don’t bother with.

All I can say is I have never felt food pop onto taste buds as it did this afternoon.  So much so that a one word review of ‘amazing’ would have done.  The salad in total was 240 calories, yet it felt as though I was eating well over 700.  Amazing fresh food, good taste, beautiful colour, and no bad aftertaste, just the sensation of fresh herbs and amazing dressing teasing the taste buds as the taste faded in my mouth.

I am astounded.  I have bought food from M&S before, but usually cakes, or cold and cooked meats.  This packaged food is glorious.  Their pots of food in little round see through pots that can be microwaved are so tantalising, I am scared to think of how else I shall feel when dinner time comes round.  The only thing I am not too pleased at, which I didn’t see in the store was that those potted meals cannot be frozen.  Pity.  But it is worth the trek to M&S once a week just to top up for lunch time food.

I am astounded.  I urge you to pop along and try some of these meals.  Sainsbury’s could learn so much from the boxed food.  I will of course be letting you know what the boxed meals are like which I purchased for the freezer, as and when I eat them.  I didn’t even have time to take a pic for lunch today, it was gone before I thought of leaving a review.  Tasty goodness, Lord Have mercy on my soul, I finally found portioned food that I can eat!