Mass of Me

I now know I’m in trouble. Big trouble in Little China! I kind of knew it, I knew something had to be wrong. I have been researching eating disorders and the more I read about being compulsive, the more I recognise that my eating is way way past normal.

So I have written off asking for advice and help and will attempt to see if I can find some kind of therapist/CBT. Who knows, it may help. All I know is that things aren’t changing and I am eating the way I used to smoke, in a compulsive way. Doesn’t matter if I don’t fancy eating, or if I’m not hungry, I eat, as Mummy would say, ‘for the sake of it’. I don’t even enjoy food any more, I just know I can’t stop.

Compulsive Overeating

This is a variation on binge eating where sufferers eat even when they are not hungry, without having the willpower to stop. This may happen all the time or come and go in cycles. Some overeater's just nibble consistently, others binge and then starve themselves before eating again. Most compulsive eaters are overweight and have low self esteem, and use food as a comforter rather than face up to the underlying problem. Many feel guilty about their habit and aim to cover it up.

Treatment for these and other eating disorders begins by recognising and dealing with the problems in your life that cause you to use food as an escape.

I suppose my real journey starts here. I hate that fucking word, 'journey'. Not sure why I used it.  It's fat speak, fucking hate it!

Friends are asking me out more and more and I hate saying no. I hate being this trapped and basically not living. I work, that’s it. I see maybe one friend at a time because I have trapped myself in this world of fat. I am truly at war, I am fearing for my life and it seems too many things are in the way. I need to focus and need to break free. I need some tools, this is where this ever lasting fight will begin once again. My journey to make myself better and to find those tools to help me sort my head out.