Emotions

I posted this on the yahoo group but I had to censor it and not write in my normal bitch fuck way because I didn’t want to offend the other members of the raw group.  You know me, all fisher wife and no knickers….

I had an awful evening at work on Tuesday night as some of you may well have read if you can be arsed to read through this drivel and stormed home in a strop to find that I was still in control of my eating *shock horror*. What I mean by that in fat bitch language is, I didn’t order a takeaway or go to the chip shop on the way home. Normally when angry I reach for whatever I can get my hands on and stuff it down my throat without thinking or feeling and whilst either watching a film, reading emails or lost inside my anger. But I didn’t, and I was really happy I didn’t. I had peanut butter on pitta bread with banana. That was rather ice, I stopped at two pittas and not the whole pack so that’s a start right there then.

I followed the menu plan *well that’s not strictly true* I didn’t have a smoothie because I couldn’t be arsed to unpack my blender. But still, I was happy that I didn’t feel the need to binge. I still woke up feeling quite sad on Wednesday, well… quite is not really the word for it. I was fucking sad, I sobbed for a few minutes then watched big brother. I decided to take the day off work and stay home away from what had made me angry in the first place and you all know what that was? Fucking cunting work and the people there - I also didn’t have the energy to continue feeling so furious. I felt a rush of energy mid morning (probably the thrill of taking the day off) which is odd for me and was a bit of a shock to be honest. It was enough to tidy some of my kitchen cupboards and then pamper myself for the rest of the day.

I felt relaxed all day and happy to have taken time off to have my own head space and to give myself some time. Most of the day I found that I was hunting for food (on the prowl as per normal) without realizing how I had even ended up at the fridge. I’m a grazer and like to nibble throughout the day, so I’m happy to say that every time I opened the fridge to graze, I stopped myself because i wasn’t hungry.

I ate a late lunch consisting of cucumber, tomatoes, fresh basil and olives. I watched the F word, with ole Gordon and I didn’t want anything else until much later in the day when I finally made a favourite dish of mine, couscous salad. So being able to stop and think throughout the day and ask myself, ‘am I hungry’ and my answer being a ‘no’ was a good feeling for someone who most days feels so out of control with their eating. In fact, it was a frigging odd feeling to recognise that there was no hunger s why eat? I was focused on how I felt inside, and if I needed the food…for the first time in a very very long time.

It was a break through and if I can keep finding that voice inside my head I shall be ok, because it makes me answerable to me. I also have a sty coming up on my eye which is bugging the life out of me. But hey fucking ho. Oh I now have a buddy - but I can’t speak of that in detail on here.

Smoothie? Or just smooth with the ladieeeessssss……

Today, I made my first smoothie. I brought in a big bag of baby spinach, and two Granny Smith apples, chopped the apples and added some fizzy water into the works smoothie machine. Its amazing really and you know what? Bloody tasty goodness.

I had the call last night to the raw group and I was so tired and hungry, hadn’t eaten and then realised I hadn’t even recharged the land line phone so had to call in on my mobile, so god knows what that wil cost… So I come on in the middle of this blokes intro. Didn’t say anything till the end when really what i said made no real sense at all. I guess I was so tired, so hungry and by this time is was twenty to ten. Knackered I felt a bit of a twat, but went to eat hot food as I had eaten my fifty percent raw. So i had a tea, cooked up some fresh pasta, mince (yes I know but she said we could have our normal evening meal) and parmasan and cheese sauce. Tsk. So obviously I woke feeling heavy and bloated and so so tired I could hardly walk. She said last night that our taste buds have memories. They remember what we had the day before so we may be able to brush off that huge cream cake but our taste buds call for more the next day. Interesting.

I am feeding my heart most days, not listening what my head is telling me. So to drink this fresh green thang this early (well it’s 10am) is quite something. I enjoyed making it and realised it really doesn’t take that long. This afternoon I am going to have some berries smoothed, of course, if they’re still int he freezer. Add water too, pity there isn’t any orange today. I brought the rest of the fresh pasta and cheese (huge tub) in for weezy. I realised that if I want to feel the benefit, i shall have to up the game as Karen said. So i am. I just haven’t had time in the eve to write in my nice new fat book… I want to, so will do that at the weekend.

I booked my fifteen mins (although it looks like on the info sent that its basically only 10 mins) call with Karen today at 11am. I need to at least explain that I find it overwhelming, maybe I am so used to sabotaging myself that I needed that extra something to make me say OK, its time….

Lets see, it feels like a healthy green day…

Raw

I’m feeling raw today, let alone it being the first day on the 30 days to raw which is run by Karen Knowler, raw food guru! Yesterday was Sunday and my shopping, ordered on Friday came. I had stupidly ordered loads of crap stuff, thinking I would be in Famine mode again and war was approaching - usual shite really. So, I ordered crap. Ice cream, cake, red meat…. Most i gorged out on yesterday and on Friday night, i had an Indian Take away.

Bad Bad move seeing I always order for a small country. It made me feel sick and hd to obviously be eaten over the period of two days. By then, you’re in the mode of guilt, the fullness in the belly has gone and the guilt sets in and you know that the other order for sainsburys made on the same day, needs to be altered. So I go to the sainsbury website, but its gone past the time of when they allow you to change the order. So now I am panicking. I have more crap food coming and my Raw eating needs to be monitored from Monday. Sunday will take some binging to get rid of the food that shouldn’t be in my home.



I was supposed to clear cupboards, clear surfaces and get prepared for the 30 days. Instead, I ate and watched films. I spent a few hours after stuffing my face, reading the ebook provided by Karen, feeling guilty, hating myself and looking at myself in the mirror, looking at the mound of what resembles uncooked cooking dough. Not nice, but it facinates me to look at it. Anyway, I had odd dreams, dreamt of Hugh Laurie for some unknown reason, in a not very dyke friendly mode….

So, today is Monday and here i am. At work, with an open bag of carrot sticks and orange in front of me. I have already eaten the radishes, apple and two cups of tea. I likeit that karen doesn’t make you eat breakfast. i already know that i am a grazer and don’t begin that until ten ish. Unless of course I am eating crap. I had curry for breakfast yesterday.

Am I ashamed, kind of. Thn I shopped. I have spent over a grand this month on shopping. Just shopping for bits and bobs for greeting cards, material for aprons (a new little turn on a business idea) in fact, anything just so as I could spend. I can’t keep that up. Over a grand? On little bits to gather dust. Something is really wrong with me at the moment. I only hope that the doctor reads my letter and allows me to go see a therapist for CBT, sooner rather than later. I feel as though I will explode.

Karen wants us to write a journal diary, which I like the idea of, but its easier to type it. the energy will come from my head into my arm and onto paper. I may give it a go later when I am home. I’m tired, upset and moody. Barb said to me that i can’t have gone through life not knowing myself at all. I think i have, to a certain level. I don’t think i really know what makes me tick. or maybe I want to believe that cause it makes it easier to deal with hating myself so much and my failings rather than success’s. Who knows, it tires me.

So this week I am to monitor why I eat, when I eat, what’s going on when i reach for some things. More than not its a habit, i eat because its there, not because I am hungry. It is like having a fag, I eat the way I smoked. This will be hard, I must try to figure it out. As for posting up a picture on the yahoo group, i don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t have any recent ones. I will read more today from the ebook and see where it leads. The chat is tonight at 8pm, normally i am exhausted by then when I get in. But, lets see what comes fourth. I think she thinks we need to be all dead up, very ‘American’ in our approach. Well, I want to see what’s what first and this is for me, no one else. I can only say yes I am committed and will monitor my eating and hopefully understand more about me, more about eating raw and feel better about myself.