Emotions

I posted this on the yahoo group but I had to censor it and not write in my normal bitch fuck way because I didn’t want to offend the other members of the raw group.  You know me, all fisher wife and no knickers….

I had an awful evening at work on Tuesday night as some of you may well have read if you can be arsed to read through this drivel and stormed home in a strop to find that I was still in control of my eating *shock horror*. What I mean by that in fat bitch language is, I didn’t order a takeaway or go to the chip shop on the way home. Normally when angry I reach for whatever I can get my hands on and stuff it down my throat without thinking or feeling and whilst either watching a film, reading emails or lost inside my anger. But I didn’t, and I was really happy I didn’t. I had peanut butter on pitta bread with banana. That was rather ice, I stopped at two pittas and not the whole pack so that’s a start right there then.

I followed the menu plan *well that’s not strictly true* I didn’t have a smoothie because I couldn’t be arsed to unpack my blender. But still, I was happy that I didn’t feel the need to binge. I still woke up feeling quite sad on Wednesday, well… quite is not really the word for it. I was fucking sad, I sobbed for a few minutes then watched big brother. I decided to take the day off work and stay home away from what had made me angry in the first place and you all know what that was? Fucking cunting work and the people there - I also didn’t have the energy to continue feeling so furious. I felt a rush of energy mid morning (probably the thrill of taking the day off) which is odd for me and was a bit of a shock to be honest. It was enough to tidy some of my kitchen cupboards and then pamper myself for the rest of the day.

I felt relaxed all day and happy to have taken time off to have my own head space and to give myself some time. Most of the day I found that I was hunting for food (on the prowl as per normal) without realizing how I had even ended up at the fridge. I’m a grazer and like to nibble throughout the day, so I’m happy to say that every time I opened the fridge to graze, I stopped myself because i wasn’t hungry.

I ate a late lunch consisting of cucumber, tomatoes, fresh basil and olives. I watched the F word, with ole Gordon and I didn’t want anything else until much later in the day when I finally made a favourite dish of mine, couscous salad. So being able to stop and think throughout the day and ask myself, ‘am I hungry’ and my answer being a ‘no’ was a good feeling for someone who most days feels so out of control with their eating. In fact, it was a frigging odd feeling to recognise that there was no hunger s why eat? I was focused on how I felt inside, and if I needed the food…for the first time in a very very long time.

It was a break through and if I can keep finding that voice inside my head I shall be ok, because it makes me answerable to me. I also have a sty coming up on my eye which is bugging the life out of me. But hey fucking ho. Oh I now have a buddy - but I can’t speak of that in detail on here.