Raw

I’m feeling raw today, let alone it being the first day on the 30 days to raw which is run by Karen Knowler, raw food guru! Yesterday was Sunday and my shopping, ordered on Friday came. I had stupidly ordered loads of crap stuff, thinking I would be in Famine mode again and war was approaching - usual shite really. So, I ordered crap. Ice cream, cake, red meat…. Most i gorged out on yesterday and on Friday night, i had an Indian Take away.

Bad Bad move seeing I always order for a small country. It made me feel sick and hd to obviously be eaten over the period of two days. By then, you’re in the mode of guilt, the fullness in the belly has gone and the guilt sets in and you know that the other order for sainsburys made on the same day, needs to be altered. So I go to the sainsbury website, but its gone past the time of when they allow you to change the order. So now I am panicking. I have more crap food coming and my Raw eating needs to be monitored from Monday. Sunday will take some binging to get rid of the food that shouldn’t be in my home.



I was supposed to clear cupboards, clear surfaces and get prepared for the 30 days. Instead, I ate and watched films. I spent a few hours after stuffing my face, reading the ebook provided by Karen, feeling guilty, hating myself and looking at myself in the mirror, looking at the mound of what resembles uncooked cooking dough. Not nice, but it facinates me to look at it. Anyway, I had odd dreams, dreamt of Hugh Laurie for some unknown reason, in a not very dyke friendly mode….

So, today is Monday and here i am. At work, with an open bag of carrot sticks and orange in front of me. I have already eaten the radishes, apple and two cups of tea. I likeit that karen doesn’t make you eat breakfast. i already know that i am a grazer and don’t begin that until ten ish. Unless of course I am eating crap. I had curry for breakfast yesterday.

Am I ashamed, kind of. Thn I shopped. I have spent over a grand this month on shopping. Just shopping for bits and bobs for greeting cards, material for aprons (a new little turn on a business idea) in fact, anything just so as I could spend. I can’t keep that up. Over a grand? On little bits to gather dust. Something is really wrong with me at the moment. I only hope that the doctor reads my letter and allows me to go see a therapist for CBT, sooner rather than later. I feel as though I will explode.

Karen wants us to write a journal diary, which I like the idea of, but its easier to type it. the energy will come from my head into my arm and onto paper. I may give it a go later when I am home. I’m tired, upset and moody. Barb said to me that i can’t have gone through life not knowing myself at all. I think i have, to a certain level. I don’t think i really know what makes me tick. or maybe I want to believe that cause it makes it easier to deal with hating myself so much and my failings rather than success’s. Who knows, it tires me.

So this week I am to monitor why I eat, when I eat, what’s going on when i reach for some things. More than not its a habit, i eat because its there, not because I am hungry. It is like having a fag, I eat the way I smoked. This will be hard, I must try to figure it out. As for posting up a picture on the yahoo group, i don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t have any recent ones. I will read more today from the ebook and see where it leads. The chat is tonight at 8pm, normally i am exhausted by then when I get in. But, lets see what comes fourth. I think she thinks we need to be all dead up, very ‘American’ in our approach. Well, I want to see what’s what first and this is for me, no one else. I can only say yes I am committed and will monitor my eating and hopefully understand more about me, more about eating raw and feel better about myself.