The Monster Cometh

My sister was kind enough burn her Paul *monster* McKenna CD’s for my perusal, several choices of different things which all in all (I can’t remember them off by heart) are mostly aiming at the same devil inside anyone fat, lacking in confidence or needing that certain something… God knows what. But you know what? I’ll pretty much try anything these days, not that i think this is going to do it on its own, but it was worth a try.

After big brother had been closed down in the 4OD browser, I decided to pop the CD into the computer. I laid back on the bed, ready and waiting for Paul McKenna to crawl on in… If I could but explain the droan of voice, so much so that half of the time I couldn’t understand him, then when the devil took over and he started speaking in tongues, I laughed my head off. I text Weezy and professed to wanting to kill Paul… I’m not sure how long I can stomach his voice more than anything. maybe that’s how he gets people to stop eating, his voice drills so deep into the person that they feel like vomiting when he stops…. So no longer getting that urge to eat!

Anyway, I listened until the end of the CD, text Weezy a few more times and then dozed off probably through boredom. I dreamt of fish and chips….

Fat Talks

So as I walk to work, still puffing and wondering if I’m still alive, I contemplate having the energy to share with everyone the ideas had for this site and for all my others. But so far, they are but ideas, because my energy levels are so low, I have no inclination to do squat diddly.

Today at work we, as a staff team had a clear out. A ton of crap, rubbish, old wood and stinky shit from the garden needed to be lifted onto the lorry to be disposed of. It was hard work and I sweated more than anyone. Not because I worked harder, but because it was so darn hot and lifting a little finger these days causes an outbreak of sweat.

All the other stuff paled in comparison to this one piece of work. I researched therapies, read up on the new fangled trend of ‘ARE YOU OBESE?’ websites for you and your child. They have www.fortheadultfatfucker.com and www.foryourfatbastardchildtoo.com Fucked isn’t it? Suddenly, years after myself and Rachel decided to go for funding for body image, the nation seems obsessed and we are now flooded with all these other peeps doing the same thing. It hurts my head.

Part of me wants to learn more and the other part of me wants to shove more food into my mouth. I am full of hatred for me, for the way I look and I am in the process of finding the help I need. In the next few days I shall set up the video cam and film me like this, if I can keep it up, I shall sell it to the first fat cunt TV station that wants to follow me to New Orleans.

I’m so tired, so fat, so unhappy and so very in this world because of ME! Life will move on and be created once again, just not overnight.

Mass of Me

I now know I’m in trouble. Big trouble in Little China! I kind of knew it, I knew something had to be wrong. I have been researching eating disorders and the more I read about being compulsive, the more I recognise that my eating is way way past normal.

So I have written off asking for advice and help and will attempt to see if I can find some kind of therapist/CBT. Who knows, it may help. All I know is that things aren’t changing and I am eating the way I used to smoke, in a compulsive way. Doesn’t matter if I don’t fancy eating, or if I’m not hungry, I eat, as Mummy would say, ‘for the sake of it’. I don’t even enjoy food any more, I just know I can’t stop.

Compulsive Overeating

This is a variation on binge eating where sufferers eat even when they are not hungry, without having the willpower to stop. This may happen all the time or come and go in cycles. Some overeater's just nibble consistently, others binge and then starve themselves before eating again. Most compulsive eaters are overweight and have low self esteem, and use food as a comforter rather than face up to the underlying problem. Many feel guilty about their habit and aim to cover it up.

Treatment for these and other eating disorders begins by recognising and dealing with the problems in your life that cause you to use food as an escape.

I suppose my real journey starts here. I hate that fucking word, 'journey'. Not sure why I used it.  It's fat speak, fucking hate it!

Friends are asking me out more and more and I hate saying no. I hate being this trapped and basically not living. I work, that’s it. I see maybe one friend at a time because I have trapped myself in this world of fat. I am truly at war, I am fearing for my life and it seems too many things are in the way. I need to focus and need to break free. I need some tools, this is where this ever lasting fight will begin once again. My journey to make myself better and to find those tools to help me sort my head out.

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

This is what I have. This is what I do. From over eating, to compulsive eating, a never ending story of food and weight and eating and lack of control and beating myself u. Every. Single. Day!




Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is the third main type of eating disorder. Also described as “compulsive eating” it is arguably the most common eating disorder. We believe that almost half of all overweight people who seek help for their weight problem suffer from this disorder to a greater or lesser extent. Weight loss in itself however will not cure the problem.

Compulsive eating can feel like bulimia nervosa except that sufferers do not vomit or take laxatives to control their weight. They have a sense of overeating, which feels out of control. It feels as if they are taken over by someone else. Binge eaters may feel as if they have no willpower where food is concerned and they may eat in secret, guilty and miserable about their behaviour. Because of their eating habits they are always struggling to avoid gaining weight, often without success. They may go from one diet to another in the quest for weight loss and eating control.

People with BED may binge, eat small amounts continuously, or pick at food from time to time. Although the medical profession takes this disorder less seriously than anorexia or bulimia, it can ruin both health and someone’s quality of life. As one person put it: “ Food is ruling my life. I wish I could just take it or leave it, but it’s never enough”.