Freak Like Me

Looking back, has anything very much changed within my head and with me phsically?  No, not really.  Or maybe it has, but its not enough that I can see it everyday and use it like a safety net to prevent myself from free falling more down a very dark hole.  I get moments of control, which make me quite happy.  But then again, its the very same feeling of happiness that I get from certain food, that kind of food like ice cream, fresh bread and butter, the type of food that makes you do a happy food dance when you're eating it!

I do know that I'm more tired than before, not sure if that's just the weight, the stress of life, work, struggling every day with food.  It's exhausting.  I wake with dark circles under my eyes and pain in my body although I found out recently that a very fit friend of mine who is slim feels the same and I'm sure it's not sympathy pains he's having for me.  I ache constantly, but funnily enough since beginning this blog, I have lost weight.  Ok, I tend to lose and gain and lose and gain, then hover over the same weight, then sabotage then gain, then lose, then have another idea on hjolw I can fight through it.  Tell you what Fat person, how about you just realise that you need to start to live again. 

Catch twenty two.  Don't want to go out because I feel like a freak, so I stay in, I get more lonely and then I order online and eat, or just over eat and search for other food in large qualtaties, again, I know I need to go out to keep busy, live a life.  Instead I stay in, suffocating myself in this caged fat, hurting inside my head and not being able to crawl out the hole I made for myself in the last five years. Now I am fearing Christmas, being on my own never used to bother me, but as I grow older and see my life wiltle away my heart breaks some more, because it's only me who is preventing me from changing.  How many more years of this can I take.  How do I fight it through if the professionals couldn't make an impact on this stone cold fat source.

I'll update on that nonsense and the shrink later on.  Right now, I'm planning other ways of trying to see life for what it is and bring the sparkle back to my eyes.  For ages now, they have looked lifeless.  I'm the walking dead, except I don't look as good as a zombie.  Nice!

Magic Fucking Pill

Well we all know there isn’t one.  Do you feel my pain?  I hope so.  I am at my wits end, this lark seems to consuming me and my non existence in this world.  I can’t seem to make headway and if someone offered me diet crack, I’d fucking well take it.  I can feel time running out, every single day I can feel it trickle away and there seems to be little I can do about it.  My neck is stiff, my bones ache constantly and although I am eating healthier than I have done in ages and have cut out most of the things which I thought were the bad guys, I am still struggling to shift this meat.

I can hear the whining, the moaning daily in my head.  I can feel the loneliness and heart ache inside me.  I can see the pain in my face the darkness in my eyes, the life being kissed away and as I whisper to myself ‘it will all be ok soon’ the breath snuffs the final sparkle out and I feel there is nothing left. I don’t know if you will understand this, or know just what I’m on about  What I’;m hoping is that if you come across this that you will feel the numbingly boring constant process of tredding mud that I go through every single day.  To be me is to live your life in a box, only coming up for air when you have to.  My life is dull and empty - I know that!  I live it.  I am changing it, but nothing seems to change very fast.

Since January I have lost two stones, or so i believe.  My mind is so rotten now I can’t remember the smallest details, I rely on scrawling inside cupboard doors to remind me and the amount of stretch marks around my gut.

I want to feel human again, I want to feel alive and feel that this is all worth it.  The more the whispers get louder the more I see that if I can’t change this, then there really is no point.  I’m not the type to look to suicide for comfort - if that’s what you could call it.  But, I do wonder why I am here because this isn’t living.  If I feel this way then how on earth do people who weigh 400lb’s feel?  I can’t imagine, although I was nearly there myself.  I find it hard to express what I mean, I fill myself with food to stop the thinking process, I know that.

I was this close to calling for a take away the other night, but I stopped myself thinking of the guilt that would ensue after eating.  But eating good things hasn’t shifted the main bulk of this crap and I shudder to think just how many more years of this I will have to put up with.  Yes, its all in my head and to find the button and turn it off is obviously harder than i thought it would be.  Even the CBT didn’t work, but then really - what CBT was actually given during that time.  I’m tired.  I can’t give up.

1st January 2009

It’s 12.59am, I’m 44 years old and listening to Aretha at home having spent the evening clearing through cupboards, wardrobes and chucking out stuff that has cluttered my life now for many many years.  I watched a little of Jools Holland Hoot ‘lets just bring in all my mates kids to sing songs they can’t even sing properly and who are pretty much a talentless bunch of brats who have jumped on the backs of their parents spine wagon spines’ Nanny.  I got bored pretty quickly.  So it is back to Aretha and contemplating what 2009 holds.


One thing I seem to have realized is that it’s basically up to me.  Now, I can go into this year not trying at all as in previous years, or I can try half heartedly, or I can give it a damn good shot and to the things which will make me change and be happy!  Now we all know it’s easy said than done, but somehow, on the 1st of January this year, I feel like something is brewing.  There is something else inside me and its been growing now for quite a few weeks.  I doubt it has anything to do with Guy Morgan at the clinic for eating disorders, or with me having digested a whole series of fat March, whom I believe had to use such a shite title because they realized that Fat Army was already taken! HA!


I know I’m bored, on a really big level and am ready for a change. Trouble is when I feel like this normally it means something big, and the biggest thing I can do is to change me, change my shape, change my outlook… I can only take a few steps at a time, and stop battering myself when things don’t go my way. 

I have watched people ride off the back of my hard work in the past, time and time again and some, who are still happy to do it. I find that amusing but also frustrating as I know what was given out and which also left me worn down and low. But I guess I cannot focus ont hat crap any more. I can see the benefit of what I did in the past, I can also see the damage it did to me, someone with a pretty fucked up ed already. Its loads of things, loads of stuff which rears its head from the past, but not as much as it used to. But I can sit around contemplating this shite for the rest of my life. It just won’t get me any further, and I will make the bitter and twisted pills joke true, completely. It won’t even be tongue in cheek any more.
I don’t want to end up like that.

Just like I don’t want to end up thinking about death every day, feeling ill every day, looking in the mirror and turning away quickly every day. I want to sing loudly about my ideas and have someone hear me call, and see how great they are and give me an opportunity. I am giving myself an opportunity to change and I know once I begin then all those ideas had can become reality and change my life for the better and alongside that, change the lives of people I love.

I feel out of breath, not because I’ve been running about like an arse, but because I have just lost that gusto needed in the past to realize the things which are important. 44 yers old and still living in darkness after nearly 15 years is not good for anyones soul. Literally, I have lived in my flat in the dark, blinds down, rarely opened unless pushed. In the early days it wasn’t so bad, but in the latter years, last 6 or so, its been pretty much in darkness.

I’m at work more than home, so I guess really it doesn’t matter so much. But somehow I think I am coming out of my own darkness. From now on I shall list my achievements rather than feel that nothing has moved forward. I don’t want to be reminded by other folk anymore of how talented I am, or how much I have changed in one year. I need to be the one to remind myself of that. I had such great dreams, such big dreams for one person and they haven’t gone away as yet. Today, is the first day I believe in me to make that change.