1st January 2009

It’s 12.59am, I’m 44 years old and listening to Aretha at home having spent the evening clearing through cupboards, wardrobes and chucking out stuff that has cluttered my life now for many many years.  I watched a little of Jools Holland Hoot ‘lets just bring in all my mates kids to sing songs they can’t even sing properly and who are pretty much a talentless bunch of brats who have jumped on the backs of their parents spine wagon spines’ Nanny.  I got bored pretty quickly.  So it is back to Aretha and contemplating what 2009 holds.


One thing I seem to have realized is that it’s basically up to me.  Now, I can go into this year not trying at all as in previous years, or I can try half heartedly, or I can give it a damn good shot and to the things which will make me change and be happy!  Now we all know it’s easy said than done, but somehow, on the 1st of January this year, I feel like something is brewing.  There is something else inside me and its been growing now for quite a few weeks.  I doubt it has anything to do with Guy Morgan at the clinic for eating disorders, or with me having digested a whole series of fat March, whom I believe had to use such a shite title because they realized that Fat Army was already taken! HA!


I know I’m bored, on a really big level and am ready for a change. Trouble is when I feel like this normally it means something big, and the biggest thing I can do is to change me, change my shape, change my outlook… I can only take a few steps at a time, and stop battering myself when things don’t go my way. 

I have watched people ride off the back of my hard work in the past, time and time again and some, who are still happy to do it. I find that amusing but also frustrating as I know what was given out and which also left me worn down and low. But I guess I cannot focus ont hat crap any more. I can see the benefit of what I did in the past, I can also see the damage it did to me, someone with a pretty fucked up ed already. Its loads of things, loads of stuff which rears its head from the past, but not as much as it used to. But I can sit around contemplating this shite for the rest of my life. It just won’t get me any further, and I will make the bitter and twisted pills joke true, completely. It won’t even be tongue in cheek any more.
I don’t want to end up like that.

Just like I don’t want to end up thinking about death every day, feeling ill every day, looking in the mirror and turning away quickly every day. I want to sing loudly about my ideas and have someone hear me call, and see how great they are and give me an opportunity. I am giving myself an opportunity to change and I know once I begin then all those ideas had can become reality and change my life for the better and alongside that, change the lives of people I love.

I feel out of breath, not because I’ve been running about like an arse, but because I have just lost that gusto needed in the past to realize the things which are important. 44 yers old and still living in darkness after nearly 15 years is not good for anyones soul. Literally, I have lived in my flat in the dark, blinds down, rarely opened unless pushed. In the early days it wasn’t so bad, but in the latter years, last 6 or so, its been pretty much in darkness.

I’m at work more than home, so I guess really it doesn’t matter so much. But somehow I think I am coming out of my own darkness. From now on I shall list my achievements rather than feel that nothing has moved forward. I don’t want to be reminded by other folk anymore of how talented I am, or how much I have changed in one year. I need to be the one to remind myself of that. I had such great dreams, such big dreams for one person and they haven’t gone away as yet. Today, is the first day I believe in me to make that change.