Well we all know there isn’t one. Do you feel my pain? I hope so. I am at my wits end, this lark seems to consuming me and my non existence in this world. I can’t seem to make headway and if someone offered me diet crack, I’d fucking well take it. I can feel time running out, every single day I can feel it trickle away and there seems to be little I can do about it. My neck is stiff, my bones ache constantly and although I am eating healthier than I have done in ages and have cut out most of the things which I thought were the bad guys, I am still struggling to shift this meat.
I can hear the whining, the moaning daily in my head. I can feel the loneliness and heart ache inside me. I can see the pain in my face the darkness in my eyes, the life being kissed away and as I whisper to myself ‘it will all be ok soon’ the breath snuffs the final sparkle out and I feel there is nothing left. I don’t know if you will understand this, or know just what I’m on about What I’;m hoping is that if you come across this that you will feel the numbingly boring constant process of tredding mud that I go through every single day. To be me is to live your life in a box, only coming up for air when you have to. My life is dull and empty - I know that! I live it. I am changing it, but nothing seems to change very fast.
Since January I have lost two stones, or so i believe. My mind is so rotten now I can’t remember the smallest details, I rely on scrawling inside cupboard doors to remind me and the amount of stretch marks around my gut.
I want to feel human again, I want to feel alive and feel that this is all worth it. The more the whispers get louder the more I see that if I can’t change this, then there really is no point. I’m not the type to look to suicide for comfort - if that’s what you could call it. But, I do wonder why I am here because this isn’t living. If I feel this way then how on earth do people who weigh 400lb’s feel? I can’t imagine, although I was nearly there myself. I find it hard to express what I mean, I fill myself with food to stop the thinking process, I know that.
I was this close to calling for a take away the other night, but I stopped myself thinking of the guilt that would ensue after eating. But eating good things hasn’t shifted the main bulk of this crap and I shudder to think just how many more years of this I will have to put up with. Yes, its all in my head and to find the button and turn it off is obviously harder than i thought it would be. Even the CBT didn’t work, but then really - what CBT was actually given during that time. I’m tired. I can’t give up.
I can hear the whining, the moaning daily in my head. I can feel the loneliness and heart ache inside me. I can see the pain in my face the darkness in my eyes, the life being kissed away and as I whisper to myself ‘it will all be ok soon’ the breath snuffs the final sparkle out and I feel there is nothing left. I don’t know if you will understand this, or know just what I’m on about What I’;m hoping is that if you come across this that you will feel the numbingly boring constant process of tredding mud that I go through every single day. To be me is to live your life in a box, only coming up for air when you have to. My life is dull and empty - I know that! I live it. I am changing it, but nothing seems to change very fast.
Since January I have lost two stones, or so i believe. My mind is so rotten now I can’t remember the smallest details, I rely on scrawling inside cupboard doors to remind me and the amount of stretch marks around my gut.
I want to feel human again, I want to feel alive and feel that this is all worth it. The more the whispers get louder the more I see that if I can’t change this, then there really is no point. I’m not the type to look to suicide for comfort - if that’s what you could call it. But, I do wonder why I am here because this isn’t living. If I feel this way then how on earth do people who weigh 400lb’s feel? I can’t imagine, although I was nearly there myself. I find it hard to express what I mean, I fill myself with food to stop the thinking process, I know that.
I was this close to calling for a take away the other night, but I stopped myself thinking of the guilt that would ensue after eating. But eating good things hasn’t shifted the main bulk of this crap and I shudder to think just how many more years of this I will have to put up with. Yes, its all in my head and to find the button and turn it off is obviously harder than i thought it would be. Even the CBT didn’t work, but then really - what CBT was actually given during that time. I’m tired. I can’t give up.
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If you have issues about fat people, then fuck off! you shouldn't be on here. This is my space for my tantrums, not yours. I'm not a whimpering fat brrd who sits in a corner rocking back and fourth. Behind a keyboard or not, I BITE!