Freak Like Me

Looking back, has anything very much changed within my head and with me phsically?  No, not really.  Or maybe it has, but its not enough that I can see it everyday and use it like a safety net to prevent myself from free falling more down a very dark hole.  I get moments of control, which make me quite happy.  But then again, its the very same feeling of happiness that I get from certain food, that kind of food like ice cream, fresh bread and butter, the type of food that makes you do a happy food dance when you're eating it!

I do know that I'm more tired than before, not sure if that's just the weight, the stress of life, work, struggling every day with food.  It's exhausting.  I wake with dark circles under my eyes and pain in my body although I found out recently that a very fit friend of mine who is slim feels the same and I'm sure it's not sympathy pains he's having for me.  I ache constantly, but funnily enough since beginning this blog, I have lost weight.  Ok, I tend to lose and gain and lose and gain, then hover over the same weight, then sabotage then gain, then lose, then have another idea on hjolw I can fight through it.  Tell you what Fat person, how about you just realise that you need to start to live again. 

Catch twenty two.  Don't want to go out because I feel like a freak, so I stay in, I get more lonely and then I order online and eat, or just over eat and search for other food in large qualtaties, again, I know I need to go out to keep busy, live a life.  Instead I stay in, suffocating myself in this caged fat, hurting inside my head and not being able to crawl out the hole I made for myself in the last five years. Now I am fearing Christmas, being on my own never used to bother me, but as I grow older and see my life wiltle away my heart breaks some more, because it's only me who is preventing me from changing.  How many more years of this can I take.  How do I fight it through if the professionals couldn't make an impact on this stone cold fat source.

I'll update on that nonsense and the shrink later on.  Right now, I'm planning other ways of trying to see life for what it is and bring the sparkle back to my eyes.  For ages now, they have looked lifeless.  I'm the walking dead, except I don't look as good as a zombie.  Nice!