New Beginnings?

So, what can I tell you?  Yesterday, I decided to join weight watchers.  After many, many years, I walked back through the doors, nervous as hell, yet weirdly excited.  Nearly crapping myself due to nerves, I had to go to the loo to have a good ole fart and hope that plodding back into the hallway wouldn't leave a recognisable trail of something something....

What made me come to this decision?  I can't really tell you, other than I am still huge and feeling weighed down by this growing mass of fat that seems to engulf me.  I'm tired of wearing dull clothes and not being able to move without hurting.  So I signed up with a friend and sat listening to lots of background noise from his 'helpers' and trying to make sense once again of how this can be applied to my life.  I hate it when people generalise, that all fat people eat badly, or unhealthy.  I eat far too much and do nothing most days.  My portion size is massive and could probably feed a whole family of four.  But yet, somehow, all fat people live off chicken nuggets, Mac D's or ice cream sandwiches.

There were far too many people there whose faces I knew and who knew mine.  But I just kept telling myself this is for me, no one else.  The first step truly was to get over the threshold of the hallway, fill in the forms and then get weighed.  I asked him whether the scale would take my weight, he leaned forward and said 'it's ok, it goes up to 35 stone'.  I laughed, I won't be needing that much out of the scales.  But nearly!!!

So, I'm tracking what I eat, and I will also have to up my movement to make sure I start to burn calories.  I'm on 31 points per day.

I'm feeling full of a weird cold and throat infection so I'm signing off now and will be back with some bits later.

Planet Weight

I’m reading a book Over Coming Overeating, conquering food obsession,  I am at the part where it tells you to imagine a world where you stay exactly the way you are.  You never gain weight, you never lose weight, you -  just. stay. exactly. how. you. are.

I wanted to write now, because it’s a poignant part of the book for me I guess.  It made me stop and think, I laid the book down and thought about how I would be if I never thought I would ever gain another pound or lose another ten…  and somewhere in my head, something is stopping me from thinking about it too much, I can see parts of how I would react,  or can I?

Its like a block, like not knowing which way to turn, not allowing myself to go further into my brain as the whole concept is alien after living a life so far which is complex and riddled with food every single day.

How would I cope with that?  They ask whether or not you’d go swimming – would I buy clothes that fit properly, would I start to travel again?  Would I do all the things that I put off until…

I’m finding it hard to move past the idea of never being able to change, to lose weight.  Being able to eat what I want when I want without punishing myself for eating the wrong things, or eating too much… I find myself asking how would that work?

Would I live my life?  Would I feel as shit as I feel right now in as much pain as I feel right now?  If so, would my life even be worth living?  Would I finally take the plunge and kill myself?  Or would I just settle down tot the fact that this is it.  I don’t know, maybe I am digging too deep with the question; within that fantasy could it ever work?

Could I ever come to terms with what is?  To make myself believe that I can live now and that this in itself will create a normal existence. 

Walking Backwards

I feel as time has stood still for the last five years.  Everyone has moved on, changed, grown and all that's happened to me (so it feels) is that I have grown in size.  I feel as though my soul is dying, most days there are tears, struggling with what's inside my head and what I stare at daily.  I have tried to cut back, but the pattern now is once I am home and out of site the eating is more erratic and obsessive.  The new rules I made for myself have kicked in and now, nothing of what is considered bad food can be left behind after a weekend.  Because waste is not something I can bare, it means that it all has to be eaten, whether I want to or not.

It can't be explained because I know its not normal.  I sabotage myself every day and yet everyday feel the pain inside me, that i create for myself.  I want to slap myself, instead I eat, I want to cut myself, instead I eat, I want to stop the cycle, and yet all i can do is eat.  I eat until I feel my stomach bursting until my heart feels as though it is being pushed through into my mouth and yet, I do nothing to stop this obessive nonsense.

I am on my own.  I have tried shrinks, I have tried Doctors, I didn't try surgery and now, maybe I am thinking - I should have?  I don't know.  Last week I thought I was dying, i thought I was having a heart attack.  I wasn't, I nearly panicked, but it was eating a huge portion of brown rice and chickpeas with lean turkey.  Too big for the evening, too big for one human stomach, but I managed to get it down me, and then I managed to beleive I was dying.  It's a madness I have lived with so long, and because I hate waste, I can't even throw it all up again.  I am still fighting my war against fat! Against myself.

New Year?

I guess with each new year I hope for a change in heart and mind.  It rarely comes.  Because of course it takes work.  To change habits of a lifetime, to give myself back a life I am desperate for, takes time and in my head there is no time, it's running out fast! 

But you see, I allow it to.  This mornng I weighed myself and the scales weren't smiling.  I have put on 9lbs over the holiday period and lets face it that period was just over a week since we closed the gates at work.  I know the weight was creeping on before that time, but was I able to, did I actually want to weigh myself?  No, of course not.  I knew with every mouthful of cake, cream, chocolate, beef, bacon, turkey, custard that i was dragging myself down into a mental overload.

But it didn't stop me.  I didn't tell myself to pace it, to stop, to think about the guilt afterwards.  I just kept going.  I did the thing I hate most, i did the 'waiting for Monday' thing.  That thing that doesn't break cycles, patterns or habits, because it is one.  Anyway, I weighed in at 23.5lbs, was it a shock?  NO!  It just feels liek an awful long way to go.  I can feel the layers of fat which had been removed in 09 under my boobs and over my belly.and to my sides.  I feel lethargic, but whats new, I feel dead.  There is no life in my eyes and after years of fighting with myself, I wonder just what I can do to make things work and go the right way when my head is so caught up in decades of failure. 

I don't always want to live in a cage, to be in a dark place.  I even forced myself to go out on New Year (albeit to my sisters) to at least promise myself a change in whats to come with picking up on a social life again to stop the focus in my life being around food.  I drank loads of Stones Ginger Wine this year, more than before.  But that's all in the back draw now, I don't normally drink and I doubt that will change much.  So a plan?

Hmmm, plans tend to fail, I know that much.  professional help? Not after the experience I had with the idiots who do a worse job at it than me.  Weight Watchers was an option, but then its an awful lot of money to just be sitting at the back of a cold hall getting weighed, listening to a bit of chat and with no real support where I believe it's needed, as a group.  I need to be able to get the support from people who get what I'm going through, although there seems to be little available.  So, I will count calories and see if I can find something or start something.  i would love to start my own club, just for support.  But will I have the inclination and the time to be cocnistent?  I haven't a clue.  It's a fresh start, and before you know it it will be the summer and I want to have at least made some effort to make a change this year.