Planet Weight

I’m reading a book Over Coming Overeating, conquering food obsession,  I am at the part where it tells you to imagine a world where you stay exactly the way you are.  You never gain weight, you never lose weight, you -  just. stay. exactly. how. you. are.

I wanted to write now, because it’s a poignant part of the book for me I guess.  It made me stop and think, I laid the book down and thought about how I would be if I never thought I would ever gain another pound or lose another ten…  and somewhere in my head, something is stopping me from thinking about it too much, I can see parts of how I would react,  or can I?

Its like a block, like not knowing which way to turn, not allowing myself to go further into my brain as the whole concept is alien after living a life so far which is complex and riddled with food every single day.

How would I cope with that?  They ask whether or not you’d go swimming – would I buy clothes that fit properly, would I start to travel again?  Would I do all the things that I put off until…

I’m finding it hard to move past the idea of never being able to change, to lose weight.  Being able to eat what I want when I want without punishing myself for eating the wrong things, or eating too much… I find myself asking how would that work?

Would I live my life?  Would I feel as shit as I feel right now in as much pain as I feel right now?  If so, would my life even be worth living?  Would I finally take the plunge and kill myself?  Or would I just settle down tot the fact that this is it.  I don’t know, maybe I am digging too deep with the question; within that fantasy could it ever work?

Could I ever come to terms with what is?  To make myself believe that I can live now and that this in itself will create a normal existence. 

Walking Backwards

I feel as time has stood still for the last five years.  Everyone has moved on, changed, grown and all that's happened to me (so it feels) is that I have grown in size.  I feel as though my soul is dying, most days there are tears, struggling with what's inside my head and what I stare at daily.  I have tried to cut back, but the pattern now is once I am home and out of site the eating is more erratic and obsessive.  The new rules I made for myself have kicked in and now, nothing of what is considered bad food can be left behind after a weekend.  Because waste is not something I can bare, it means that it all has to be eaten, whether I want to or not.

It can't be explained because I know its not normal.  I sabotage myself every day and yet everyday feel the pain inside me, that i create for myself.  I want to slap myself, instead I eat, I want to cut myself, instead I eat, I want to stop the cycle, and yet all i can do is eat.  I eat until I feel my stomach bursting until my heart feels as though it is being pushed through into my mouth and yet, I do nothing to stop this obessive nonsense.

I am on my own.  I have tried shrinks, I have tried Doctors, I didn't try surgery and now, maybe I am thinking - I should have?  I don't know.  Last week I thought I was dying, i thought I was having a heart attack.  I wasn't, I nearly panicked, but it was eating a huge portion of brown rice and chickpeas with lean turkey.  Too big for the evening, too big for one human stomach, but I managed to get it down me, and then I managed to beleive I was dying.  It's a madness I have lived with so long, and because I hate waste, I can't even throw it all up again.  I am still fighting my war against fat! Against myself.

New Year?

I guess with each new year I hope for a change in heart and mind.  It rarely comes.  Because of course it takes work.  To change habits of a lifetime, to give myself back a life I am desperate for, takes time and in my head there is no time, it's running out fast! 

But you see, I allow it to.  This mornng I weighed myself and the scales weren't smiling.  I have put on 9lbs over the holiday period and lets face it that period was just over a week since we closed the gates at work.  I know the weight was creeping on before that time, but was I able to, did I actually want to weigh myself?  No, of course not.  I knew with every mouthful of cake, cream, chocolate, beef, bacon, turkey, custard that i was dragging myself down into a mental overload.

But it didn't stop me.  I didn't tell myself to pace it, to stop, to think about the guilt afterwards.  I just kept going.  I did the thing I hate most, i did the 'waiting for Monday' thing.  That thing that doesn't break cycles, patterns or habits, because it is one.  Anyway, I weighed in at 23.5lbs, was it a shock?  NO!  It just feels liek an awful long way to go.  I can feel the layers of fat which had been removed in 09 under my boobs and over my belly.and to my sides.  I feel lethargic, but whats new, I feel dead.  There is no life in my eyes and after years of fighting with myself, I wonder just what I can do to make things work and go the right way when my head is so caught up in decades of failure. 

I don't always want to live in a cage, to be in a dark place.  I even forced myself to go out on New Year (albeit to my sisters) to at least promise myself a change in whats to come with picking up on a social life again to stop the focus in my life being around food.  I drank loads of Stones Ginger Wine this year, more than before.  But that's all in the back draw now, I don't normally drink and I doubt that will change much.  So a plan?

Hmmm, plans tend to fail, I know that much.  professional help? Not after the experience I had with the idiots who do a worse job at it than me.  Weight Watchers was an option, but then its an awful lot of money to just be sitting at the back of a cold hall getting weighed, listening to a bit of chat and with no real support where I believe it's needed, as a group.  I need to be able to get the support from people who get what I'm going through, although there seems to be little available.  So, I will count calories and see if I can find something or start something.  i would love to start my own club, just for support.  But will I have the inclination and the time to be cocnistent?  I haven't a clue.  It's a fresh start, and before you know it it will be the summer and I want to have at least made some effort to make a change this year.