New Year?

I guess with each new year I hope for a change in heart and mind.  It rarely comes.  Because of course it takes work.  To change habits of a lifetime, to give myself back a life I am desperate for, takes time and in my head there is no time, it's running out fast! 

But you see, I allow it to.  This mornng I weighed myself and the scales weren't smiling.  I have put on 9lbs over the holiday period and lets face it that period was just over a week since we closed the gates at work.  I know the weight was creeping on before that time, but was I able to, did I actually want to weigh myself?  No, of course not.  I knew with every mouthful of cake, cream, chocolate, beef, bacon, turkey, custard that i was dragging myself down into a mental overload.

But it didn't stop me.  I didn't tell myself to pace it, to stop, to think about the guilt afterwards.  I just kept going.  I did the thing I hate most, i did the 'waiting for Monday' thing.  That thing that doesn't break cycles, patterns or habits, because it is one.  Anyway, I weighed in at 23.5lbs, was it a shock?  NO!  It just feels liek an awful long way to go.  I can feel the layers of fat which had been removed in 09 under my boobs and over my belly.and to my sides.  I feel lethargic, but whats new, I feel dead.  There is no life in my eyes and after years of fighting with myself, I wonder just what I can do to make things work and go the right way when my head is so caught up in decades of failure. 

I don't always want to live in a cage, to be in a dark place.  I even forced myself to go out on New Year (albeit to my sisters) to at least promise myself a change in whats to come with picking up on a social life again to stop the focus in my life being around food.  I drank loads of Stones Ginger Wine this year, more than before.  But that's all in the back draw now, I don't normally drink and I doubt that will change much.  So a plan?

Hmmm, plans tend to fail, I know that much.  professional help? Not after the experience I had with the idiots who do a worse job at it than me.  Weight Watchers was an option, but then its an awful lot of money to just be sitting at the back of a cold hall getting weighed, listening to a bit of chat and with no real support where I believe it's needed, as a group.  I need to be able to get the support from people who get what I'm going through, although there seems to be little available.  So, I will count calories and see if I can find something or start something.  i would love to start my own club, just for support.  But will I have the inclination and the time to be cocnistent?  I haven't a clue.  It's a fresh start, and before you know it it will be the summer and I want to have at least made some effort to make a change this year.