Planet Weight

I’m reading a book Over Coming Overeating, conquering food obsession,  I am at the part where it tells you to imagine a world where you stay exactly the way you are.  You never gain weight, you never lose weight, you -  just. stay. exactly. how. you. are.

I wanted to write now, because it’s a poignant part of the book for me I guess.  It made me stop and think, I laid the book down and thought about how I would be if I never thought I would ever gain another pound or lose another ten…  and somewhere in my head, something is stopping me from thinking about it too much, I can see parts of how I would react,  or can I?

Its like a block, like not knowing which way to turn, not allowing myself to go further into my brain as the whole concept is alien after living a life so far which is complex and riddled with food every single day.

How would I cope with that?  They ask whether or not you’d go swimming – would I buy clothes that fit properly, would I start to travel again?  Would I do all the things that I put off until…

I’m finding it hard to move past the idea of never being able to change, to lose weight.  Being able to eat what I want when I want without punishing myself for eating the wrong things, or eating too much… I find myself asking how would that work?

Would I live my life?  Would I feel as shit as I feel right now in as much pain as I feel right now?  If so, would my life even be worth living?  Would I finally take the plunge and kill myself?  Or would I just settle down tot the fact that this is it.  I don’t know, maybe I am digging too deep with the question; within that fantasy could it ever work?

Could I ever come to terms with what is?  To make myself believe that I can live now and that this in itself will create a normal existence.