Walking Backwards

I feel as time has stood still for the last five years.  Everyone has moved on, changed, grown and all that's happened to me (so it feels) is that I have grown in size.  I feel as though my soul is dying, most days there are tears, struggling with what's inside my head and what I stare at daily.  I have tried to cut back, but the pattern now is once I am home and out of site the eating is more erratic and obsessive.  The new rules I made for myself have kicked in and now, nothing of what is considered bad food can be left behind after a weekend.  Because waste is not something I can bare, it means that it all has to be eaten, whether I want to or not.

It can't be explained because I know its not normal.  I sabotage myself every day and yet everyday feel the pain inside me, that i create for myself.  I want to slap myself, instead I eat, I want to cut myself, instead I eat, I want to stop the cycle, and yet all i can do is eat.  I eat until I feel my stomach bursting until my heart feels as though it is being pushed through into my mouth and yet, I do nothing to stop this obessive nonsense.

I am on my own.  I have tried shrinks, I have tried Doctors, I didn't try surgery and now, maybe I am thinking - I should have?  I don't know.  Last week I thought I was dying, i thought I was having a heart attack.  I wasn't, I nearly panicked, but it was eating a huge portion of brown rice and chickpeas with lean turkey.  Too big for the evening, too big for one human stomach, but I managed to get it down me, and then I managed to beleive I was dying.  It's a madness I have lived with so long, and because I hate waste, I can't even throw it all up again.  I am still fighting my war against fat! Against myself.