Fuck You!!! The Cee Lo Green way!

I know, I’ve been piss ars-ing about and really haven’t looked in on this.  Sometimes the whole fat thing just burns me out.  I only wish that in between losing a couple of stones and then gaining, I had at least written up what i was doing.  Now I would have something to look back on and say, yeah, that’s not too bad.  Instead, I lose and gain and lose and gain and fucking gain.  I’m tired, I feel so fucking old and i am sick to death of being a moaning fucking bitch.

I don’t even remember what the last post was on here, so I haven’t a clue when it was, or what i said.  Funny really.  I was in a real dark place at the end of last year, I know that much.  I still feel as though I have no real purpose, I work, I make stuff, yet I still feel this pending doom.  The fat has eaten away my brain.

I finished seeing the twat at the eating clinic.  He was far too much of south park than anyone who really gave a shit about me.  I had a fight not to be returned there, I  got to see the local weight management team, oh whoop fucking doop.  Nice enough people, not a frigging clue about eating disorders, or compulsive beings such as myself.  The shrink side of it, was pretty much forced to take me on.  She ‘heard me’ every sentence when refusing to go back to the south park dick, but even through ‘hearing me’ the thing people say when they don’t really listen at all, she kept asking me if I wanted to go back to the EDC.  I put my foot down, so ended up with her, because they just didn’t have a clue what else they could do with me.  I was in that hole, that place that makes it real easy to start to contemplate 101 ways to top yourself.  Cause what’s the fucking point to it all when it feels so black?   

No one gets it, no one realises that this has consumed me for most of my life and has eaten the last seven away, completely.  Easy to think fat cunt, do something to sort it out.  DIET, it's not that hard.  Hmmmm, you can go suck on my fat arse.

I knew how much of the last seven years i would regret if I stayed in all the time when I wasn’t at work being stressed, eating and watching films.  Telling myself that closing myself off to the world and not seeing friends was the best thing for me, to heal me.  Of course, all it did was create more rot in my brain and the unhappiness could be smelt on me like it was rotting flesh.

The hatred I felt and still feel for myself is overwhelming.  Most days I can stomach it, the odd ripping into my skin around my mouth stops me from eating, the destructing is deep and although I spent the last eight weeks seeing a wonderful shrink, my memory is so bad that it’s almost convenient to forget most of what was said.  I don’t actually think I do remember much these days any way.  I only wish my memory forgot where the fridge was or what cheese cake was...  

So, I’m still in the same place, eating my life away, literally.  I’m not contemplating throwing myself out the window, or cutting slices out of my arms, its still that war and I’m still fighting it.  Up and down like a fucking fat yoyo.  Lots to say, no energy to say it most days, no motivation, no life, catch 22.  Stop the fucking winging, get on with it, so I do, then I fall and whine and moan and cry again.  Misery?  Not really.  Habit.  Meanwhile I feel alive when I am at work, messing about with the kids I work with, but once that door closes, I am locked away, the ugly monster in the attic. 

Lots to catch up with, so I might as well spit it out here.  I was told my the last shrink, lovely chick, to log the good and look back at it.  Take it in, listen to it, love myself.  That’s hard to do, especially with two baked cheesecakes hanging from my mouth.  Tut tut.  I’m off to make a tea.  I’ll be back soon.

Oh yeah, I tell you what, I'm going to start reviewing some stuff out there that I have been using.  One thing that gets on my tits, that I bought right into was the KiFit.  Oh, that will be a good review.  I tell you what, do a search on Kifit, then ask yourself just how real everyone of those reviews are out there that you can pull up on Google is my friend!  Well, I bought mine, I wasn't given it by the company, so it will be a review which goes beyond a day of using it or a quick update of what the band does.  Stay tuned, even if you can't be arsed!