Compulsion Revoltion

I’m feeling pretty shit, as I do most weekends.  This weekend I haven’t thrown up.  Not that I’ve been trying to throw up mind you, my body just can’t take the binge food I choose to eat at the weekends.  It’s such a potent combination of crap, my body rejects it.  This week, I am just feeling ill.  Like I have a cold, soar throat, aching weird feeling in my throat, dry mouth big time, foul stench in my gob, but also just sticky crap coming up from my throat.  Chesty on occasion and I have no doubt this is because I have taken in high levels of cream and crap food.   

This week, i couldn’t be arsed to order online as I did last week at the weekend, so I ordered takeaway.  I chose the one takeaway that sold Hagan daz ice-cream.  Instead of getting the usual takeaway order, which by the way I haven’t done for months now, I ordered, not one, not two, but three 500ml tubs of Haagen-Dazs ice-cream, cheesecake, Belgium chocolate and cookies and cream.  Two down one to go and really, i should bin it, because I am feeling real rough.  I also ordered a Chinese whilst I was at it, which wasn’t that good, fried meat rice with ribs in a thick gloop and sweet and sour in a thick gloop and now, I feel the pain. 

My back has had this weird pain in it, for some time, not sure if its bad posture or if something is going on there because of the weight.

Its odd, its like a fizzing under the fat, to one side, kind of numb to the touch, just odd.  Just fat poisoning no doubt.

Last week I was so violently ill on banoffee pie, a whole one from Sainsbury that I text my nephew to ask if he could come and pick the other ‘bad’ food that I had left up.  At first, when  saw his message in the morning, I was horrified because I read it that he couldn’t make it.  I saw that he had tried to call and rather than ring him back, my brain went into over drive, strop, then fuck it, I’ll eat the rest of what’s in the fridge.   

Then I text him to say ‘forget it’ because I read the text wrong, thinking he was saying he couldn’t make it till the morning, which was Sunday and by then, too late.  You see when you binge, and then have a real bad reaction t it, the guilt tells you to get rid of the bad stuff, the bad food in the house.  I can’t throw it away as I have a real issue with waste, so the next thing is to see who wants it.  Anyway, I told him to forget it, then an hour later, still feeling pissed off and guilt wearing off and me getting ready to start on a cheesecake (whole), I re-read his text which said he could do it ‘now’.  Being Saturday, I said yes.  I packed the oven chips (I didn’t order those, the Sainsbury guy left them and no one collected them, one of the cheese cakes, crème fresh, crisps, and other bits into a bag loaded up and ready to go before I changed my mind.  

Thank goodness it was taken away.  It would have been a million times worse the following day.

Anyway, the third Haagen-Dazs is gone now, eaten with a banana.  I feel weird and sick and sad and frightened of the coming weekends.

I know what i should do to change, during the week I am eating really brilliant food, mainly raw until eve where I eat portion controlled food from M&S.  But this binging at the weekend is more potent than when i was a smoker gathering many packs of fags to see me through the weekend, just in case.

It’s all consuming, oh the irony of it all.  I feel failed every weekend, this weekend, I know I have now gained the weight I removed over the last month, working hard, trying hard-ish, but not at weekends.  I feel out of control again and the more I think about it, the more the cravings boom inside my head.  I watch addicted to food and every episode in, I find more and more that i wish I had the money to go there for the 45 days intensive treatment.  I don’t, I doubt there is anyone out there who will pay for it either. Lol  I am trapped inside this nutter of a woman and I just don’t seem to be able to tell myself NO!