I moved My Blog!

If, by chance anyone knows I am here, I have moved my blog to a hosted account because I just had enough of the front gate sign I have to use because I swear!  So visit me at! http://fatarmy.com

You Tarzan, Me Raw!

Ok, so I have begun to look into the background info available from so many people on raw living.  I have ordered several books by several of the raw gurus and some people I haven’t even heard of as yet.

My interest is at this time is in eating raw, but not going vegan at this time.  There is so much I want to say, so many questions and no one to ask them to.  I have signed up to different folks YouTube channels and already the conflicting information is beginning to hurt my head.

How do you begin this seriously?  In the past I have paid for telephone course, received eBooks, joined telephone groups with people who call themselves experts. How do you know?  I eat majority of raw food anyway, I just like it that way.  I don’t own a food dryer thing, whatever its called – oh dehydrator or something, I haven’t even opened my blender box from three years ago (I blended at work), but I am really interested in looking into this much more than I did before.  Where do I start?

I don’t want, at this time to be completely raw, although I don’t believe you have to eat meat to survive.  I like fish and chicken, I don’t think I will need to eat it in coming years but right now I like eating it.  I also get confused at the whole alkaline body type issue and how much fruit, green veg etc.  It’s all so mind blowing.  This morning I picked up my emails in bed, dingy London, well a little sunny at the mo., contemplating the day at work, not feeling to brilliant after another three day lock down and compulsion to eat, cheesecake mainly.  Then I picked up an email, an update of a video channel I joined yesterday.  Some raw food guru bloke, looks like Jesus.  He made me laugh yesterday; he just danced in his kitchen, danced like no one was looking and it made me really happy.  See Dan here

I wish for that freedom sometimes.  That sense of feeling so alive that you just don’t give a damn about who is watching.  I’m not there yet, although I can be silly with the kids I work with, my imagination is fertile and I love that side of me.  But dancing in front of anyone at this size would leave me cold; it’s enough to shimmy in the office with dean on good days.

Anyway, his latest video came streaming via my iPhone into my room and I laid their listening to him, listening to the waves, wishing I could walk by the sea and feel the water on my toes, it was a nice site.  He is a handsome dude, (and even as a queer old dyke, I can see the charm in his eyes).  I like him, his persona, glad he gave up saying ‘can you dig it’ which he said a lot in his making smoothie vids.  He seems more chilled out now.  He is further along I think in his quest for inner love and peace and I am interested in finding out where he goes.  I’m still on a finding journey, trying to work out myself, trying to imagine what it would be like to have the life I feel I deserve to have yet can’t find it in me to read the map and get there.  I want to transition like so many other to raw, to an inner peace, to feeling like I am alive, not this huge walking debilitated creature that never smiles inside. 

I ordered my mac yesterday, with webcam; I am going to begin my own YouTube channel about my journey.  I can’t promise that I wont be hidden at first, because I am not sure I want to be seen looking this crap.  But who knows.  I need to do this I need to find myself.  For years I have been so lost, with such a feeling of unrest.  I don’t want to die feeling like I have squandered this life.  I don’t want to feel so bad every day, even just sitting.  I want to see the joy in things.  I want a reality that I can feel.  

I'm thinking I'm going to set up my own blog on my server.  I don't think this blog deserves to be cordoned off with a warning sign because of the odd swear word and risk that someone might report me.  Hmmm, we shall see.

Compulsion Revoltion

I’m feeling pretty shit, as I do most weekends.  This weekend I haven’t thrown up.  Not that I’ve been trying to throw up mind you, my body just can’t take the binge food I choose to eat at the weekends.  It’s such a potent combination of crap, my body rejects it.  This week, I am just feeling ill.  Like I have a cold, soar throat, aching weird feeling in my throat, dry mouth big time, foul stench in my gob, but also just sticky crap coming up from my throat.  Chesty on occasion and I have no doubt this is because I have taken in high levels of cream and crap food.   

This week, i couldn’t be arsed to order online as I did last week at the weekend, so I ordered takeaway.  I chose the one takeaway that sold Hagan daz ice-cream.  Instead of getting the usual takeaway order, which by the way I haven’t done for months now, I ordered, not one, not two, but three 500ml tubs of Haagen-Dazs ice-cream, cheesecake, Belgium chocolate and cookies and cream.  Two down one to go and really, i should bin it, because I am feeling real rough.  I also ordered a Chinese whilst I was at it, which wasn’t that good, fried meat rice with ribs in a thick gloop and sweet and sour in a thick gloop and now, I feel the pain. 

My back has had this weird pain in it, for some time, not sure if its bad posture or if something is going on there because of the weight.

Its odd, its like a fizzing under the fat, to one side, kind of numb to the touch, just odd.  Just fat poisoning no doubt.

Last week I was so violently ill on banoffee pie, a whole one from Sainsbury that I text my nephew to ask if he could come and pick the other ‘bad’ food that I had left up.  At first, when  saw his message in the morning, I was horrified because I read it that he couldn’t make it.  I saw that he had tried to call and rather than ring him back, my brain went into over drive, strop, then fuck it, I’ll eat the rest of what’s in the fridge.   

Then I text him to say ‘forget it’ because I read the text wrong, thinking he was saying he couldn’t make it till the morning, which was Sunday and by then, too late.  You see when you binge, and then have a real bad reaction t it, the guilt tells you to get rid of the bad stuff, the bad food in the house.  I can’t throw it away as I have a real issue with waste, so the next thing is to see who wants it.  Anyway, I told him to forget it, then an hour later, still feeling pissed off and guilt wearing off and me getting ready to start on a cheesecake (whole), I re-read his text which said he could do it ‘now’.  Being Saturday, I said yes.  I packed the oven chips (I didn’t order those, the Sainsbury guy left them and no one collected them, one of the cheese cakes, crème fresh, crisps, and other bits into a bag loaded up and ready to go before I changed my mind.  

Thank goodness it was taken away.  It would have been a million times worse the following day.

Anyway, the third Haagen-Dazs is gone now, eaten with a banana.  I feel weird and sick and sad and frightened of the coming weekends.

I know what i should do to change, during the week I am eating really brilliant food, mainly raw until eve where I eat portion controlled food from M&S.  But this binging at the weekend is more potent than when i was a smoker gathering many packs of fags to see me through the weekend, just in case.

It’s all consuming, oh the irony of it all.  I feel failed every weekend, this weekend, I know I have now gained the weight I removed over the last month, working hard, trying hard-ish, but not at weekends.  I feel out of control again and the more I think about it, the more the cravings boom inside my head.  I watch addicted to food and every episode in, I find more and more that i wish I had the money to go there for the 45 days intensive treatment.  I don’t, I doubt there is anyone out there who will pay for it either. Lol  I am trapped inside this nutter of a woman and I just don’t seem to be able to tell myself NO!